I finally figured out why I don’t like affirmations.
An Affirmation = to affirm a belief.
Someone that needs affirmation, in my mind, is someone that has doubt. A person that needs their decisions, their source of reasoning for their belief, needs support in becoming a set core idea. But I don’t doubt. Well, yes I do, just not in that sense. In places where most would look to an affirmation as a source of grounding, I find myself confident in this otherness.
I feel stability in the deconstruction and analysis of my problems. I’m confident in what is causing me distress. I’m confident that as long as I anticipate its future obstructions and evolutions, I’ll be able to stave off the looming anxiety of inevitable consumption. I’ll be protected and unhurt if I track and stay two steps ahead of all that prey on me. Even the end of life’s approach. So why would I need | a prayer | for myself?
Hearing an affirmation makes my skin crawl and my insides tingle. Because I’m not doubting myself. I know I can protect myself.
Geez. I’ve been scared for way too long.
When it finally set in that the world as I know it will end if I live as my full self, I might’ve woken up from a long nightmare. My partner reminded me that there’s no reason I can’t heal myself with the same power I heal others with. The argument is logically sound, so I can’t deny it. But it meant I had to accept there was another reason for why I was uncomfortable living my life. And much like every other analysis I’ve done on why humans don’t make a change, the answer was my fear.
I was raised in religious structures that taught me to believe those that stepped too close to the veil would rip apart the very fabrics of this world and bring about the end for destabilizing and straying from the world order. Why’d it take me so long to accept that that’s exactly what I want? This world, humans and so much of what we’ve touched, is sick. We pass along far worse with viruses and do pitiful waltzes in our rot.
I refuse. Many of us refuse. We choose instead to heal, both known and unknown ailments. I spent so long fighting to protect myself from further infection, I forgot to fully heal the original infections residing within me. I got scared that healing myself wouldn’t work. But it does, and it has. The only reason it would stop is if I stop healing.
I don’t want to be afraid that my life will end by choosing what I believe over what is being done. Written affirmations process through my mind better than verbal ones. They’re like poetry bites. I’m gonna reacquaint myself with affirmations and start by painting a lil canvas for my wall.
If I Get Hurt, I Will Heal.
Waking up and seeing that reminder every day will help the message stick. And through my fingers, the process’ll take up home in the places those hurtful things once filled, my full-bodied creation. My embodied belief.